Funny Money: The (Investment) Diary of Bernard Jones (Bernard Jones Diaries) Read online

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Publishing Details

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  About the author

  Chapter One: Sticking with it for Good or Ill

  Friday 1st April 2005: An unusual attachment

  Monday 4th April: Investing at a run

  Wednesday 6th April: Taxing conversations

  Tuesday 18th April: Gone with the windy

  Wednesday 4th May: Spirals at Spirent AGM

  Friday 10th June: Hobnobbing again

  Sunday June 12th: Incandescent about split-caps

  Thursday 7th July: Bridging the divide

  Monday 1st August: Peter’s perfect portfolio

  Tuesday 9th August: Public spectacle

  Wednesday 10th August: Paying dividends

  Chapter Two: Book Fair at St. Simeon’s

  Saturday 13th August: Crackerjack pencil

  Wednesday 31st August: Hurricanes galore

  Tuesday 6th September: The quote arrives

  Thursday 29th September: Porridge portfolio

  Tuesday 4th October: Intruders in the Hornby drawer!

  Saturday 8th October: Peter’s boasting

  Wednesday 19th October: Simple Simon says

  Friday 21st October: Wall Street beckons

  Monday 24th October: Vindication

  Saturday 5th November: Bonfire of the sanities

  Sunday 6th November: Research department

  Tuesday 6th December: Inspiration and discipline

  Christmas Eve 2005: Cutting down the costs

  Chapter Three: Yuletide Misery

  Christmas Day: Buzzards and sporrans

  Boxing Day : Seconds out, round two

  Tuesday 27th December: Salad cream days

  Wednesday 28th December: The trend is your friend

  Thursday 29th December: Bovis and Butthead

  Friday 30th December: Blessed peace

  New Year’s Eve: Time for a fresh start

  Chapter Four: Below the Belt

  Tuesday 3rd January: New Year, new chances

  Wednesday 4th January: The boxer rebellion

  Thursday 5th January: Teatime torment

  Friday 6th January: Smalls and shorts

  Monday 9th January: A quiet word

  Tuesday 10th January: Mum’s the word

  Wednesday 11th January: Inequitable Life

  Chapter Five: Happy Discovery

  Thursday 12th January: Hidden gold

  Friday 13th January: Digging for victory

  Thursday 19th January: Beating the system

  Friday 20th January: They’re back

  Monday 23rd January: Toby or not Toby, that is the question

  Chapter Six: The Curse of Marconi

  Tuesday 24th January: Telent scout

  Wednesday 25th January: Sniffing out the truth

  Thursday 26th January: Hippopotamus manoeuvres

  Chapter Seven: Striking it Rich – For a While

  Friday 27th January: Home, home on the range

  Monday 30th January: Returning to the nest

  Tuesday 31st January: Shareholder value

  Chapter Eight: Qinetiq Energy

  Friday 3rd February: Cholesterol capers

  Saturday 4th February: Gift horses examined

  Monday 6th February: Frantic for Qinetiq

  Wednesday 8th February: Hells Bells

  Chapter Nine: Losing Direction over Compass

  Tuesday 14th February: Performance anxiety

  Wednesday 15th February: The morning after the fright before

  Tuesday 21st February: Power surge

  Chapter Ten: An Arresting Experience

  Wednesday 22nd February: Driven to distraction

  Thursday 8th March: The wheelie thing

  Saturday 11th March: Key of life

  Chapter Eleven: Feeling the Digital Revolution

  Saturday 18th March: Chinese paper torture

  Sunday 19th March: Fears and prostration

  Tuesday 21st March: Prostate Awareness Week

  Wednesday 22nd March: Budget day

  Friday 24th March: The NHS digital advance

  Chapter Twelve: Anno Domini

  Wednesday 29th March: No such thing as a free lunch

  Thursday 30th March: Queen’s Gambit

  Friday 31st March: Birthday neglect

  Saturday 1st April: Wrong kind of birthday coach

  Chapter Thirteen: Perfect Peter Advises

  Sunday 2nd April: Dinner at the Edgingtons

  Monday 3rd April: Builder’s bum

  Tuesday 4th April: Team coach

  Chapter Fourteen: Getting out the Calculator

  Wednesday 5th April: Down to business at Hell’s Bells

  Thursday 6th April: A-day

  Friday 7th April: Fabulous discovery

  Chapter Fifteen: Unwelcome Interruptions

  Saturday 8th April: In the forests of the night

  Tuesday 11th April: Mr Annoying calls

  Wednesday 19th April: Mooning for profit

  Friday 21st April: Cyst assistant

  Saturday 22nd April: Mills and Boon

  Chapter Sixteen: The Conquests of Harry Staines

  Wednesday 26th April: Money talks

  Thursday 27th April: Heinkels over Isleworth

  Tuesday 9th May: Keeping up with the Joneses

  Wednesday 10th May: I told you so, at the Ring o’Bells

  Thursday 11th May: Black widow rituals

  Friday 12th May: Edgington vindicated

  Chapter Seventeen: Riding the Correction

  Monday 15th May: Plunging markets

  Tuesday 16th May: Better late than never

  Wednesday 17th May: Humbug and humous

  Friday 19th May: In for a pounding

  Saturday 20th May: Key reversal

  Tuesday 23rd May: Qinetiq lethargy

  Chapter Eighteen: Heavy Breathing

  Thursday 1st June: Who dares, whinges

  Friday 2nd June: Yorkshire terror

  Wednesday 7th June: General samosas

  Chapter Nineteen: Dead Cat Bounce

  Tuesday 13th June: Nine lives not enough

  Wednesday 14th June: Spirent spirals

  Friday 16th June: Coach and hearses

  Chapter Twenty: In for a Penny, In for a Pound

  Wednesday 21st June: Penny stocks, pounding losses

  Thursday 22nd June: Bernard’s lost notes

  Friday 23rd June: Coach party

  Saturday 24th June: A vision in beige

  Tuesday 27th June: Martin Gale in action

  Chapter Twenty-One: Waving the Flag

  Thursday 29th June: FTSE leads the way

  Friday 30th June: Yank the chain

  Saturday 1st July: Re-education camp

  Monday 3rd July: BAE ringmaster at Airbus circus

  Friday 7th July: Vic and the vixen

  Monday 10th July: V or W, £600,000 question

  Chapter Twenty-Two: Political Correctness

  Wednesday 12 July: FTSE leads the way

  Thursday 13th July: Shopper’s revenge

  Thursday 14th July: The bloody O’Riordans

  Friday 15th July: Slow coach

  Chapter Twenty-Three: Bat out of Hell

  Monday 17th July: Batty Dot proved right

  Tuesday 18th July: Birthday bash

  Wednesday 19th July: Rabid reaction force

  Thursday 20th July: O’Riordan

  Friday 21st July: Hawaii do I bother?

  Chapter Twenty-Four: B
ernard gets Swiss Rolled

  Monday 24th July: Geneva believer

  Tuesday 25th July: Don’t know which way to turn

  Wednesday 26th July: Guys and doles

  Chapter Twenty-Five: Special Delivery

  Thursday 27th July: Not so Royal Mail

  Friday 28th July: Pridgeon post

  Saturday 29th July: St Austell here we come

  Chapter Twenty-Six: Laptop Dancing

  Tuesday 1st August: Priceless

  Thursday 3rd August: Trouble in the garden of Eden

  Friday 4th August: Revenge of the hippo

  Sunday 6th August: Prawn free

  Chapter Twenty-Seven: Quite Contrarian

  Monday 7th August: Pig in a pipe

  Tuesday 8th August: Ginger nuts

  Wednesday 9th August: iSoft in the head

  Thursday 10th August: Bingo wings

  Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Bournville Ultimatum

  Friday 11th August: Spiralling higher

  Saturday 12th August: Men are from Mars, women from Nestlé

  Monday 14th August: The Plastic Pol Pot

  Tuesday 15th August: Councils of despair

  Wednesday 16th August: Astrid travel

  Chapter Twenty-Nine: One Man Went to Mow

  Thursday 17th August: Sign on the dotty line

  Friday 18th August: Milk float punt

  Chapter Thirty: Angel Cake

  Saturday 19th August: Dot’s lucid moment

  Sunday 20th August: Danish tasty

  Monday 21st August: All over Tanfield

  Chapter Thirty-One: Bernard Begins Hedging

  Tuesday 22nd August: Tesco tongue pie

  Wednesday 23rd August: A bruised portfolio

  Chapter Thirty-Two: Obstinacy on the Dot

  Friday 1st September: Airfix unstuck

  Saturday 2nd September: Dotting the eyes, crossing the teas

  Sunday 3rd September: Curdistan invaded

  Monday 4th September: Mum’s the word

  Chapter Thirty-Three: A Heroic Act

  Tuesday 5th September: Penny wise, pound foolish

  Thursday 7th September: The mystery of Clive

  Friday 8th September: Edgington torment

  Thursday 14th September: Romance beckons

  Friday 15th September: Queuing for the Stelios

  Saturday 16th September: Homage to catatonia

  Sunday 17th September: French resistance

  Monday 18th September: Shop now, calculator

  Wednesday 20th September: Plaudits for Bernard

  Saturday 23rd September: Saturday night dive

  Chapter Thirty-Four: Citizen’s Arrest

  Sunday 24th September: Concussion discussion

  Monday 2nd October: Poker in the eye

  Thursday 5th October: Spirent torments

  Wednesday 11th October: Excessively possessive

  Chapter Thirty-Five: Rich Man, Poor Man

  Friday 13th October: A taxing conversation

  Saturday 14th October: Full messy jacket

  Tuesday 17th October: Gale of havoc

  Chapter Thirty-Six: Differently abled

  Tuesday 24th October: Senile delinquent

  Wednesday 25th October: Crumbs away

  Friday 27th October: St Trinian’s Technology College

  Saturday 28th October: Chocolate devaluation

  Chapter Thirty-Seven: Orchard pillage

  Sunday 29th October: Investing in disability

  Tuesday 31st October: Incendiary rules

  Wednesday 1st November: Losing a fortune on Fortune

  Chapter Thirty-Eight: Going to War for Love

  Thursday 2nd November: Assisted passage

  Friday 3rd November: Brownfield planning blues

  Saturday 4th November: Going like hot cakes

  Chapter Thirty-Nine: Up in Smoke

  Sunday 5th November: Penny for the Bernard

  Monday 6th November: Follow the money

  Wednesday 8th November: A heart judged on a pear tree

  Chapter Forty: Saving Mr Kipling

  Friday 10th November: Airfixed up

  Friday 17th November: Bernard’s first ten-bagger

  Tuesday 14th November: Planning oversight

  Chapter Forty-One: Flight of Angels

  Monday 4th December: Quornered

  Wednesday 13th December: Party time

  Thursday 21st December: Raiders of the lost cause

  Friday 22nd December: Rendezvous with destiny

  Christmas Eve: Joining up the Dots

  Publishing Details

  First published in Great Britain in 2007 by Ludensian Books

  www.ludensianbooks.co.uk

  85 Linden Walk

  LN11 9HT

  9780857193865

  Copyright © Nick Louth 2006-2014

  www.nicklouth.com

  The right of Nick Louth to be identified as the author has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988.

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

  A CIP catalogue record for this book can be obtained from the British Library

  All rights reserved; no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of the Publisher. This book may not be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without the prior written consent of the Publisher.

  No responsibility for loss occasioned to any person or corporate body acting or refraining to act as a result of reading material in this book can be accepted by the Publisher or by the Author.

  This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between the characters herein and real persons living or otherwise is purely coincidental.

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  About the author

  Nick Louth is a financial journalist, author and investment commentator. He is a former Reuters correspondent, and a regulator contributor to the Financial Times, Investors Chronicle and Money Observer. Nick Louth is married and lives in Lincolnshire.

  Nick Louth is the author of:

  Multiply Your Money

  Bernard Jones and the Temple of Mammon

  Dunces With Wolves: The third volume of the Bernard Jones Investing Diaries

  Bite

  Hearbreaker

  Visit Nick Louths' author page here: http://www.harriman-house.com/authors/profile/nicklouth/6214

  Chapter One: Sticking with it for Good or Ill

  Friday 1st April 2005: An unusual attachment

  All Fools’ Day. In five minutes’ time it will be exactly 62 years ago to the minute that I, Bernard Jones, forced his way into an ill-prepared world with a yell, a kick and an unexpected shock of hair. Of course that was the last thing to be seen by the midwife, because following a long Jones family tradition I arrived breech first. Though I wouldn’t know it for years, this delivery was merely the preparation for a career in the Ministry of Defence where everything is deployed arse-about-face, from the launching of warships, the ordering of radar for Nimrod reconnaissance aircraft, the Bowman infantry radio, right through to the self-adhesive floor tiles at the Admiralty. The joke ran that Sir Douglas Gattingford, who was supposedly on temporary attachment, was certain to become the permanent secretary after spending 40 minutes trying to extricate his crêpe soles from the stationery office floor.

  Still, all that was four years ago. Early retirement, without the long grinding commute to Charing Cross, and the well-rehearsed mutterings and imprecations about punctuality, should have allowed me a little luxury: a lie in, the Today programme on Radio 4 at 8am rather than Farm
ing Today at six, a relaxed cup of tea and a slice of toast heavy with Frank Cooper’s thick-cut marmalade. Best of all, a chance to read the Telegraph without having to fold it fifteen times, without having to wedge myself between a witless 7’ teenager, wobbling to the tzzz-tzzz-tzzz from his earphones, and some dumpy perfume-drenched VDU operator from Penge decked in more gold chains than Haile Selassie.

  I had really looked forward to the days when I no longer had to overhear at 7.45am the mobile phone conversations of 19-year-old shop assistants, pallid breasts bulging out of their mis-buttoned blouses relaying the night’s carnal capers: “No, Tania, that was Geoff. Last night was Chris. Eh? No, Chris from accounts. Nah, I wutunt touch ’im from the ware’ouse. ’Ee gave Natalie chlamydia ….”

  The prospect of early retirement seemed so wonderful, so enticing that the reality hit hard. You see it was only then that I discovered, or rediscovered, that I was married to a woman called Eunice whose demands are every bit as unreasonable, tedious and repetitive as those of the MoD. Now I’m home, it’s my job to let Hermès (the cat) in when she cries outside in the morning. What time is that? Quarter-to-bloody-six, that’s what time it is. Then the ungrateful animal swaggers past me, casts a dismissive glance at the highly-expensive nutritionally-balanced Moggymix Breakfast Biscuits I have put out for it and then runs upstairs purring like a dynamo to jump on the bed next to Eunice.

  So I often end up listening to Farming Today anyway. Once I’m up, then I might as well make a pot of tea, because Eunice will be awake, grumbling that my “tutting and harrumphing” about the cat had woken her too. As the years go on, I find that I’m sleeping less, so the lie-in has become pointless. Today was a case in point. Brought up a mug of tea to Eunice, couldn’t get back into bed without turfing out the cat. Merely suggested that we get a cat flap, so the animal could come and go as it pleases.

  “No, Bernard, really. If you build a cat flap you’ll get every tom, puss and moggy coming into the house. You know how Hermès gets bullied by that ginger monster from over the back.”

  Eunice turned to stroke the cat’s belly, while it waved a paw coquettishly. “Poor Hermès. You wouldn’t even feel safe on Mummy’s bed any more, would you, darling?”

  “She’s a cat, for Christ’s sake! A killing machine refined over ten million years of evolution with teeth and claws for ripping and tearing flesh. There is nothing in the DNA of a sabre-toothed tiger that says some poor bloody caveman had to get up at a quarter to six to give it a saucer of milk and a cuddle.”